Clichéstorm: ...Aaand we're back!

Quest summary: Find six more spirits, go to the Holyland, grab a sword, find my little brother. Stop calling the spirits macguffins, as they actually do something. I can still call them plot coupons, though.

Current goal: The spirit by Rolante.

So! There weren't any docks anywhere on the continent. Or at least not any we could reach from the natural boundaries all around Forcena. But somewhere in Forcena we set off an event flag, and on our return to the castle, a distant relative (brother, I think) of that Bon Jour cannon man had set up a cannon in the courtyard! With no other alternatives, we were forced to take it.

And what do you know, we survived. He knew how to aim! He knew how to aim at Bon Jour's house, to be specific. Thankfully, he wasn't perfect, and our broken bodies did not become a poor man's wrecking ball. I mean, he must have been poor if he needed to use more of our infinite supply of gunpowder. What I'm trying to say is our broken bodies were completely useless instead.

Of course, a quick nap in the inn fixed all that.

And so we were off to climb the mountains that a few days ago had been my home. We came across a suspicious cave, but there was a suspicious statue blocking the path. We came across the castle, but that was too full of ninjas to be anywhere near not-out-of-the-question. Finally I lead Team SmiteSquad to the conspicuously empty screen I had found farming one time. Still absolutely nothing. Nothing but a field of poppies. I felt really inexplicably happy. Happy... and I also...

woke up a few hours later in a pile of beds in a cave.

I think I spoke for all of us when I said, "G-b-th-what?"

"Princess!" exclaimed the startled amazon. "You're awake!"

I growled. "Royal decree: Don't call me that."

"You're not the queen."

"I think what you mean is I'm not the queen yet." I got a pained expression. "Argh, now you've got me doing it!"

"Princess," she went on, ignoring my exasperation, "There is a meeting going on that you should attend. Now that you're here and everything."

"What?" I jumped out of bed. "People are making decisions without me? The nerve." I shook my companions awake, trying not to think about the unfortunate implications that Angela's naked sleeping sprite made.*

Now, I wasn't an expert on Rolante law. What am I, a lawyer? I don't need to know laws to rule. But apparently the law left the Only Other Man in charge. I could say some things about patriarchal societies, but I won't because I don't actually know anything.

So we had a big, fat, boring war council. My plan was that we farm some levels and take the castle by force. The Only Other Man argued that ninjas do nothing but farm levels from birth, and have I seen those guys. Yes, I had; they were only level one; wait, did our castle really get taken over by an army of first-levels? Yes, it was called a zerg rush; we must also take the castle by stratagem. I was forced to agree, but only because stratagem was a really cool word.

"Now here's where it gets tricky," said the Only Other Man, who will from now on be referred to by his official title as the elder, because it is much shorter. "I don't know much about tactics, myself. You, princess, must--"

I scoffed. "Hey, I may be the leader of the army, but I'm no general either. Also, quit calling me that."

"I was afraid of that." Why was everybody ignoring the part about calling me princess? "And therefore, I have planned for it. We must seek out the world's greatest general."

"Who's that?" I asked. "Parson, uh..." I could not for the life of me think of the name of that guy. "You know, the hamster... Listen, you ever read this webcomic, Erfworld? That's... that's the joke here."

"No, Don Parignon," he said, completely ignoring any feelings of levity. "I think I spelled that right. Anyway, this gets tricky. You see, he is a Corobokkle, and they are a little..."

"Racist?"

He ended his meaningless gesticulations. "Yes. And you would need one heck of a disguise to get to him. However!" One finger shot into the air. "There are legends of an artifact called the Chibikko Hammer. Before you ask, you may not use it as a weapon."

"Aw."

"So go find it."

Oh, was that it? Nothing about what the hammer was supposed to do for me? Or rumors about its location? It couldn't be that I had stopped paying attention during that part. D-definitely.

And so it was as we were fetch questing across the land, we came across the farmer's market of whatever the heck the town was called. How could I resist? There were all sorts of impossibly rare items that I didn't buy because I realized they were too awesome to use. Mostly powerup food and such. But there was an old lady with a tiny booth who didn't seem to belong there at all. At my approach, she began a ramble about how boring this was, and would I like this hammer so she could leave with any satisfaction. I mean, you don't turn down a free weapon.

My Omniscient Plot Explainer kicked in, informing me that this was the Chibikko Hammer we'd been looking for the whole time. What luck!

Angela had stuck close by (of course, why would she want to be apart from me?) but Duran seemed to be gone. We found him around the center. With some ladies. "Time to go," I said.

"Hold on," he protested. "We gotta pay these hot chicks to dance."

Who was I to disagree?

Later I found out that it was actually the black market, but same difference, am I right?

Some forestly wandering later, we caught sight of a member of the racist race I mentioned before. He caught sight of us, too, and he ran into the trees. All right. It was time to find out what this baby could do.

"All right, this won't hurt," I told Duran, pulling the hammer back. "P-probably."

PLONK. That was not the sound of head getting smashed in. I was a little disappointed. Maybe I should have trained my hammering skill more, because it was a pretty wide miss. (And later, when I checked, I found that didn't even train my hammering skill.) Stupid, crummy piece of--

Smoke poured out of the hammer, engulfing the three of us. "Asbestos!" I choked. "Stop breathing!" For good measure, I squeezed my eyes shut, too. Man, this was fast-acting asbestos. I could already feel the cancers and tumors killing me to death.

Eventually, though, I couldn't hold my breath any longer. My next breath was completely clean. I blinked my eyes open, honestly a little shocked. The trees and grass were a lot bigger than I remembered. "Oh!" I said. "It's not asbestos, it's drugs!"

I got a thwap. Funny, because I didn't remember tripping any traps. Turns out it was Angela brand, because she was the only thing close enough to the back of my head. "We're Chibikko'd, dingus."

"Oh, the status effect that makes us do one damage!" I said, suddenly pointing at a chalkboard with the manual drawn on it. "That would explain the name. Of the hammer. Well, let's go end racism!"

I was, of course, quite a bit disoriented, but I could always tell which way was north. Up. And that was where the little racist had headed. I couldn't think where else we could be when the trees had doors in the trunks.

"Hi!" I called to the first dude I could see. I realized his beard was only proportionally big, but it was still ridiculous how he could survive with a beard that size. "We're looking for a guy, Don Perignon? I think I spelled that right."

"What for?"

My head reeled. This man asked some brilliant questions. "We need tactical advice." Good thing I had such brilliant answers.

He shrugged. "Dunno. Why don't you ask around."

And so we did, entering each house uninvited. I was quite disappointed to find that there were no cookies being baked inside any of them, because my heroic HP-restoring metabolism demanded cookies for the rabite tooth still stuck in my head. Beardy seemed to be in sight every time we left a house. I saw how it was, but I knew he wouldn't try anything with us guarding Angela. Of course, she could probably just cast a magic or something, too.

"All right," I said, finally giving up and returning to him. "We've searched the whole place. He's gotta be here, right?"

"Yes," he said. "It is I, Don Perignon." He paused, running his fingers through his beard. "I think I spelled that right."

"Guh--" I made such stunning arguments. "But you said you didn't know where he was!"

"Oho, but I was walking around at the time, so I wasn't in any one place."

That was it. I pulled the spear from my back and charged.

Actually, I didn't, because Duran was too fast with the shoving me aside. "Like she said--"

"She?" I demanded.

"We need tactical advice. See, the Corobokkle village by Rolante was invaded by mice."

"Oh, yes," he said. "This shouldn't be too tough. You must find the wind spirit, Jinn. Something a little cryptic. Then, have him blow sleep poppies all through Rolante. Retaking the castle should be a breeze, so to speak."

"Right." He nodded.

"W-wait!" I said. "How'd you know about the castle?"

Don Coolname chuckled. "You smell like humans. There's no fooling me. And there's no Corobokkle village near Rolante, okay?"

"All right," I said, hoping I had rolled high enough on my Bluff check to hide my nervousness. "So why'd you help us, then?"

"You've got a faerie with you," he replied. "I can sense that sort of thing. And when there's a faerie around, the whole world is in danger."

"Nothing we can't handle," I said, shooting him a cocky smile. "All right, then. We know where to find you if your plan fails."

Back up the mountain, and the suspicious statue was missing. Don McGrawsonman was an event flag. I wondered how it felt to be demoted to such a low status. Poor townsfolk have to live their whole lives like that, rarely if ever useful to us heroes, walking back and forth on set paths.

But why dwell on them when there's harpies to whack. I pitied them, too. I got no response for even my best pickup lines. I had no choice but to whack them for EXP. They did start it.

Eventually our farming was cut short when Duran "Oh my gosh, a giant rock!"

Faerie popped out of my head. "That's one of those mana stones I mentioned before. I could explain more, and I actually did, but in the interest of interest, I won't go on in the Questlog version."

Angela did a double take at the ground. "Hey, there are footprints over here!"

"Looks like a boss," I said, forgetting my spear was already in hand and making some useless motions for a minute. "Watch yourselves."

What do you know, some kind of black night was out there pumping some kind of blue, fat rabbit man full of evil energy. "Hey!" I cried. "That's impolite!"

He said nothing, and disappeared.

"All right," I mumbled, shrugging. Then I realized something. "Hey, that's the wind spirit! Uhm, are you okay, after--"

He was very eloquent today. "Grrrr."

And then he was gone, too. I almost began saying something when a giant harpy swooped out of the sky, picking up Duran and dropping him from the sky, knocking him clean out.

"Hey!" I cried.

BOSS FIGHT

VERSUS... TZENKER (I THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT)

It was also unimpressive, with Angela spamming the Earth-type spell she had learned from Gnome. The one with the really sharp diamonds? And she solidified the tradition of powering up when weak. She used some kind of speed boost.

It didn't help.

VICTORY

Angela was becoming a bit of a game breaker.